[ Reynir is still not exactly sure if that really counts as a positive or negative outcome. Text really just isn't that conducive to being able to tell how much they'd really reconciled. And there have been false starts on that front, before.
He can only hope for the best, and help in the ways that Onni needs and asks for (and maybe a few he doesn't think to ask for, too). ]
Of course, anything. I'll look after him, I promise.
[ He can at least make sure that Lalli doesn't try to make another daring escape. Not that he deserves to be kept prisoner, but clearly he hadn't been doing his best thinking when he'd run off while sick in the first place. ]
Don't worry about me. If he doesn't behave I'll just sit on him. (Kidding). (But seriously I know Lalli, I've lived alongside him for months, I'll manage)
So you sorted out what was going through his head running off like that? Was it just a teenage thing?
[ Reynir knows that Lalli is wrong of course. Just knows it. But then, he had seen how frantic with worry and anger Onni was, when Reynir said they had lost Lalli, that he might be in danger. He's seen the way Onni looks at Lalli when Lalli isn't paying attention, full of love and fear and protectiveness. He's seen the little sacrifices Onni makes, all the small bits of thoughtfulness that Lalli was never even aware of to make his life in this strange place a bit more familiar and livable.
But there is more he can say, he thinks. It won't be easy, but he should. For Onni's sake. ]
I don't think that is really your fault. It happened in my family, too. I only found out when we came back from the expedition but Bjarni explained that when we were kids he kind of thought that my mom preferred me. Because she was always fussing over me. Once he grew up he figured out it was just because I wasn't immune, and because sometimes I kinda make dumb choices without thinking about it and end up getting into trouble. But back when he was little I guess he thought it was because he was from Dagrenning and I wasn't.
All those years I had no idea he felt like that. And I don't think our mom was really to blame because I'm sure she had no clue, either. Sometimes these ideas just... happen, and no one's to blame.
I think so. I hope he doesn't forget what I said once the fever is gone.
[The next text takes a few minutes to arrive while Onni mulls over Reynir's experience with his brother. Even though there is no Dagrenning program in Finland it's a similar situation, substituting Tuuri for Reynir himself. Lalli had just seemed so self-sufficient, and especially at first, Lalli had even seemed a bit confused that Onni was caring for him. All of Tuuri's needs and demands were familiar; Lalli's were only a vague sketch in his mind.]
He's hard to understand sometimes and neither of us is good at talking things out. It's a lot like your situation. I didn't know he thought I loved him less than Tuuri.
I hope he doesn't, either. Though it might be a good idea to remind him every so often. Humans are silly and we need reminders of things we already know. Like that our families love us, and are proud of us.
[ Perhaps that goes without saying but... perhaps it doesn't, honestly. Reynir thinks perhaps it's something Onni might need reminded of, if he had been taught it to start with. ]
Well how could you have known if he never told you? But now he has and that's a good step towards making it better.
The thing about being good at talking things out is that it takes practice. I'm not sure anybody is born good at it. Sometimes it just sucks but you have to try anyway.
You think I should tell him more often that I love him and am proud of him.
[It isn't a question, not really, because it seems pretty obvious that that's what Reynir is saying. The idea of actually saying or doing that with Lalli seems impossible, though, like something he doesn't know how to do. How should he go about casually telling his cousin that he loves him? It isn't something he's ever learned to do. But then Reynir is addressing that too.]
It's not as if I know how often you're telling him now, but the answer would still be yes. We assume people know, when we care about them, but they don't.
And I think it might be especially important for somebody like Lalli. He... doesn't have a lot of people giving him positive feedback.
[ Which is polite Reynir-speak for Lalli doesn't really have friends here or make them easily or enjoy the casual company of nice strangers, and that makes getting love and support from Onni all the more important. ]
I'm sure you are proud of him and think about loving him all the time. The trick is to learn not to stop yourself from saying it out loud.
[When Reynir says that, Onni feels a sort of tense unease. He isn't telling Lalli those things at all, and he suspects Lalli would find it weird if he told him more.]
You're right, I think. About Lalli getting positive feedback. But what if it made him uncomfortable, to hear it more often? We aren't accustomed to saying that kind of thing to each other. We never have been. Both culturally and as a family. Do you think it would do more harm than good in that case?
[Its a lot of questions, and Onni can feel, almost painfully, how they seem to be things that are just instinct for most people. For normal people. But with Reynir, at least, he thinks the questions won't sound stupid, or at least won't be treated as such. Reynir seems a lot more comfortable with this part of being human, Onni is willing to take his advice on this matter.]
[ Onni's questions aren't stupid to Reynir at all; he is doubting his own instincts a little. After all, it is a different culture. A different family. He's not any kind of an expert. Not somebody who has read books or studied these things. He only knows what his experience and his heart are telling him. ]
I think it will do good. But I think it might be worth... mentioning the reason for the change. So he doesn't wonder about it and maybe come up with some incorrect idea about why things changed. You can tell him... you think these things all the time, but you never said them before, and you're going to try saying them now. For your own sake as much as for his. That way he doesn't feel like he's being patronized or- handled, you know?
And you can tell him he doesn't have to say it back if he doesn't want to But that if he wants to, you don't mind hearing it.
[Its a bit of a relief to have Reynir suggest that, talking to Lalli about it first, because Onni had been thinking of doing that anyhow, but wondering also if it was a bad idea.]
Yes. Maybe explaining that I don't want this kind of misunderstanding again might help.
It will be hard to adjust to, I think. This kind of thing isn't easy for us.
I don't think I'll ask him to say it to me. I don't know if he thinks or feels those kinds of things about me. Better to avoid it.
I know it isn't easy, and that it will take time. The most importance changes are, and do.
I think he feels those things. But it might be even harder for him to say them. So giving him an out and telling him you don't expect him to say them back might be a good idea.
[ Then, after a pause: ]
And since we're talking about honesty here. I should practice what I preach a little. I'm proud of you, Onni. For everything you're trying to do to make things better between you and Lalli. For keeping going even when stuff's really hard.
I don't know about that. I think I've made his life a great deal more difficult than it had to be, and hurt him a lot more than I realized. I don't know if anyone in his situation would be able to feel those things about me, let alone say them.
[Letting Lalli feel the way he's felt for so long out of negligence seems, to Onni, a little unforgivable.
Maybe it's because of that feeling that a surge of guilt overwhelms him when Reynir says that he's proud of him for trying to improve things between himself and Lalli, even when it's hard. Guilt, and shame, and self-consciousness.]
I don't know that it's anything to be proud of me for. It's what I should have been doing all along.
[ Reynir wishes right then, so desperately, that Tuuri were here. Onni would listen to her. She would straighten this out, get her brother to realize how wrong he was...
...or, maybe, she wouldn't. After all, a self-loathing like this can't be new. It had to pre-date Tuuri leaving, Tuuri dying. She hadn't solved it, before. Hell, she might have added to it.
Maybe what Onni really needs now is the perspective of someone outside his family. Someone more objective. Someone like Reynir. ]
Onni, you trust me, don't you? You know that... most of the time, I don't lie?
Please, listen to me. You didn't mistreat Lalli. Families hurt each other, that's part of the deal. But I've seen you two around one another. You treat him so much better than... than most parents would, not to mention most cousins who had to become parents way too young.
So yeah. I'm proud of you. And I'm right to be proud of you. You might not be able to see why, but you're too close to it all.
[Onni isn't sure there would be anything anyone could say to pull him out of this, right now. Thinking that Lalli was afraid of him, or that he'd hurt him, the images of how he'd handled his cousin when he was fighting against the treatment Onni was trying to give him are vivid in his mind. Lalli crying in the tub is just as fresh and vivid a memory, so thin and fragile and sick, crying because Onni had finally convinced him that he was loved, and always had been.
It hurts, to know what he's put his cousin through. It's going to be hard to let go of the idea that he'd done wrong by him, unforgivably wrong.]
I trust you. I don't think you would lie.
But I don't know that it's true that I treated him better than most parents would. I don't think his mother and father would have made him think he wasn't loved. His mother was so demonstrative with him, she would call him pet names. I don't think he could doubt how she felt about him.
He's alive, and he's strong, and he can take care of himself, but that isn't enough. He shouldn't have spent twelve years feeling like he was less valuable to me.
It doesn't do any good for you or Lalli, comparing yourself to his mom or blaming yourself for not psychically knowing what he was feeling.
He finally told you. Now is the important time, to change things.
You can't do that if you spend all your energy obsessing over the past and hating yourself. Because Lalli's gonna pick up on that. If you look at him and start thinking about all the ways you think you fucked up in the past, you're gonna get sad. And do you know what that looks like, to Lalli? 'When Onni looks at me, he gets sad. I make Onni sad, because something's wrong with me.'
You have to find a way to look into the future and let go of the past, for his sake, and yours.
[Beyond everything else, the way Reynir says so directly that there's no point in beating himself up over the past and that now is when they need to change things, that if he dwells on that and is sad when he sees Lalli, Lalli will think he's what's hurting Onni...that cuts through the thick, exhausted fog of guilt and self-hate.]
Letting go of the past is harder to do than it should be. I've always struggled with it.
It's hard to look at the future, too, because I don't know where to go from here. I have no idea what the future holds, and I don't feel like any of it is going to be good. But the least I can do is not make it worse for Lalli now.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
@mage | text
How did it go?
How is he feeling?
He can steal my bed again if he wants. You can tell him that.
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He's still feeling bad, but his fever is down. That woman was at least good at that part. I think it'll be okay for him to stay in the room with me.
But if he and you are both alright with it, I might leave him with you for a few moments so I can go to the medbay and get some medicines.
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He can only hope for the best, and help in the ways that Onni needs and asks for (and maybe a few he doesn't think to ask for, too). ]
Of course, anything.
I'll look after him, I promise.
[ He can at least make sure that Lalli doesn't try to make another daring escape. Not that he deserves to be kept prisoner, but clearly he hadn't been doing his best thinking when he'd run off while sick in the first place. ]
How are YOU feeling?
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I know you will. Hopefully he'll behave for you.
I'm alright. It was a good talk.
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(Kidding).
(But seriously I know Lalli, I've lived alongside him for months, I'll manage)
So you sorted out what was going through his head running off like that?
Was it just a teenage thing?
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Thank you.
Yes, I did. I don't think it was a teenager thing. He thought I would be relieved to not have to take care of him.
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Happy to help.
But that's ridiculous.
Doesn't he get that you've built your whole life around taking care of him and Tuuri?
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He knows better now, though, doesn't he?
[ Reynir knows that Lalli is wrong of course. Just knows it. But then, he had seen how frantic with worry and anger Onni was, when Reynir said they had lost Lalli, that he might be in danger. He's seen the way Onni looks at Lalli when Lalli isn't paying attention, full of love and fear and protectiveness. He's seen the little sacrifices Onni makes, all the small bits of thoughtfulness that Lalli was never even aware of to make his life in this strange place a bit more familiar and livable.
But there is more he can say, he thinks. It won't be easy, but he should. For Onni's sake. ]
I don't think that is really your fault.
It happened in my family, too.
I only found out when we came back from the expedition but Bjarni explained that when we were kids he kind of thought that my mom preferred me. Because she was always fussing over me.
Once he grew up he figured out it was just because I wasn't immune, and because sometimes I kinda make dumb choices without thinking about it and end up getting into trouble.
But back when he was little I guess he thought it was because he was from Dagrenning and I wasn't.
All those years I had no idea he felt like that.
And I don't think our mom was really to blame because I'm sure she had no clue, either.
Sometimes these ideas just... happen, and no one's to blame.
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[The next text takes a few minutes to arrive while Onni mulls over Reynir's experience with his brother. Even though there is no Dagrenning program in Finland it's a similar situation, substituting Tuuri for Reynir himself. Lalli had just seemed so self-sufficient, and especially at first, Lalli had even seemed a bit confused that Onni was caring for him. All of Tuuri's needs and demands were familiar; Lalli's were only a vague sketch in his mind.]
He's hard to understand sometimes and neither of us is good at talking things out. It's a lot like your situation. I didn't know he thought I loved him less than Tuuri.
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Though it might be a good idea to remind him every so often.
Humans are silly and we need reminders of things we already know. Like that our families love us, and are proud of us.
[ Perhaps that goes without saying but... perhaps it doesn't, honestly. Reynir thinks perhaps it's something Onni might need reminded of, if he had been taught it to start with. ]
Well how could you have known if he never told you?
But now he has and that's a good step towards making it better.
The thing about being good at talking things out is that it takes practice.
I'm not sure anybody is born good at it.
Sometimes it just sucks but you have to try anyway.
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[It isn't a question, not really, because it seems pretty obvious that that's what Reynir is saying. The idea of actually saying or doing that with Lalli seems impossible, though, like something he doesn't know how to do. How should he go about casually telling his cousin that he loves him? It isn't something he's ever learned to do. But then Reynir is addressing that too.]
I can try to learn.
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We assume people know, when we care about them, but they don't.
And I think it might be especially important for somebody like Lalli. He... doesn't have a lot of people giving him positive feedback.
[ Which is polite Reynir-speak for Lalli doesn't really have friends here or make them easily or enjoy the casual company of nice strangers, and that makes getting love and support from Onni all the more important. ]
I'm sure you are proud of him and think about loving him all the time.
The trick is to learn not to stop yourself from saying it out loud.
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You're right, I think. About Lalli getting positive feedback. But what if it made him uncomfortable, to hear it more often? We aren't accustomed to saying that kind of thing to each other. We never have been. Both culturally and as a family. Do you think it would do more harm than good in that case?
[Its a lot of questions, and Onni can feel, almost painfully, how they seem to be things that are just instinct for most people. For normal people. But with Reynir, at least, he thinks the questions won't sound stupid, or at least won't be treated as such. Reynir seems a lot more comfortable with this part of being human, Onni is willing to take his advice on this matter.]
I do think that all the time, though.
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[ Onni's questions aren't stupid to Reynir at all; he is doubting his own instincts a little. After all, it is a different culture. A different family. He's not any kind of an expert. Not somebody who has read books or studied these things. He only knows what his experience and his heart are telling him. ]
I think it will do good. But I think it might be worth... mentioning the reason for the change.
So he doesn't wonder about it and maybe come up with some incorrect idea about why things changed.
You can tell him... you think these things all the time, but you never said them before, and you're going to try saying them now.
For your own sake as much as for his.
That way he doesn't feel like he's being patronized or- handled, you know?
And you can tell him he doesn't have to say it back if he doesn't want to
But that if he wants to, you don't mind hearing it.
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Yes. Maybe explaining that I don't want this kind of misunderstanding again might help.
It will be hard to adjust to, I think. This kind of thing isn't easy for us.
I don't think I'll ask him to say it to me. I don't know if he thinks or feels those kinds of things about me. Better to avoid it.
[If Lalli doesn't, he would rather not know.]
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The most importance changes are, and do.
I think he feels those things.
But it might be even harder for him to say them.
So giving him an out and telling him you don't expect him to say them back might be a good idea.
[ Then, after a pause: ]
And since we're talking about honesty here.
I should practice what I preach a little.
I'm proud of you, Onni. For everything you're trying to do to make things better between you and Lalli.
For keeping going even when stuff's really hard.
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I don't know about that. I think I've made his life a great deal more difficult than it had to be, and hurt him a lot more than I realized. I don't know if anyone in his situation would be able to feel those things about me, let alone say them.
[Letting Lalli feel the way he's felt for so long out of negligence seems, to Onni, a little unforgivable.
Maybe it's because of that feeling that a surge of guilt overwhelms him when Reynir says that he's proud of him for trying to improve things between himself and Lalli, even when it's hard. Guilt, and shame, and self-consciousness.]
I don't know that it's anything to be proud of me for. It's what I should have been doing all along.
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...or, maybe, she wouldn't. After all, a self-loathing like this can't be new. It had to pre-date Tuuri leaving, Tuuri dying. She hadn't solved it, before. Hell, she might have added to it.
Maybe what Onni really needs now is the perspective of someone outside his family. Someone more objective. Someone like Reynir. ]
Onni, you trust me, don't you?
You know that... most of the time, I don't lie?
Please, listen to me. You didn't mistreat Lalli.
Families hurt each other, that's part of the deal. But I've seen you two around one another.
You treat him so much better than... than most parents would, not to mention most cousins who had to become parents way too young.
So yeah. I'm proud of you. And I'm right to be proud of you. You might not be able to see why, but you're too close to it all.
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It hurts, to know what he's put his cousin through. It's going to be hard to let go of the idea that he'd done wrong by him, unforgivably wrong.]
I trust you. I don't think you would lie.
But I don't know that it's true that I treated him better than most parents would. I don't think his mother and father would have made him think he wasn't loved. His mother was so demonstrative with him, she would call him pet names. I don't think he could doubt how she felt about him.
He's alive, and he's strong, and he can take care of himself, but that isn't enough. He shouldn't have spent twelve years feeling like he was less valuable to me.
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He finally told you. Now is the important time, to change things.
You can't do that if you spend all your energy obsessing over the past and hating yourself. Because Lalli's gonna pick up on that.
If you look at him and start thinking about all the ways you think you fucked up in the past, you're gonna get sad.
And do you know what that looks like, to Lalli?
'When Onni looks at me, he gets sad. I make Onni sad, because something's wrong with me.'
You have to find a way to look into the future and let go of the past, for his sake, and yours.
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Letting go of the past is harder to do than it should be. I've always struggled with it.
It's hard to look at the future, too, because I don't know where to go from here. I have no idea what the future holds, and I don't feel like any of it is going to be good. But the least I can do is not make it worse for Lalli now.
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Not knowing what the future holds is scary. I get that.
Some of it will be good, Onni. I promise, some of it will be good.
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Thank you, Reynir.