You think I should tell him more often that I love him and am proud of him.
[It isn't a question, not really, because it seems pretty obvious that that's what Reynir is saying. The idea of actually saying or doing that with Lalli seems impossible, though, like something he doesn't know how to do. How should he go about casually telling his cousin that he loves him? It isn't something he's ever learned to do. But then Reynir is addressing that too.]
It's not as if I know how often you're telling him now, but the answer would still be yes. We assume people know, when we care about them, but they don't.
And I think it might be especially important for somebody like Lalli. He... doesn't have a lot of people giving him positive feedback.
[ Which is polite Reynir-speak for Lalli doesn't really have friends here or make them easily or enjoy the casual company of nice strangers, and that makes getting love and support from Onni all the more important. ]
I'm sure you are proud of him and think about loving him all the time. The trick is to learn not to stop yourself from saying it out loud.
[When Reynir says that, Onni feels a sort of tense unease. He isn't telling Lalli those things at all, and he suspects Lalli would find it weird if he told him more.]
You're right, I think. About Lalli getting positive feedback. But what if it made him uncomfortable, to hear it more often? We aren't accustomed to saying that kind of thing to each other. We never have been. Both culturally and as a family. Do you think it would do more harm than good in that case?
[Its a lot of questions, and Onni can feel, almost painfully, how they seem to be things that are just instinct for most people. For normal people. But with Reynir, at least, he thinks the questions won't sound stupid, or at least won't be treated as such. Reynir seems a lot more comfortable with this part of being human, Onni is willing to take his advice on this matter.]
[ Onni's questions aren't stupid to Reynir at all; he is doubting his own instincts a little. After all, it is a different culture. A different family. He's not any kind of an expert. Not somebody who has read books or studied these things. He only knows what his experience and his heart are telling him. ]
I think it will do good. But I think it might be worth... mentioning the reason for the change. So he doesn't wonder about it and maybe come up with some incorrect idea about why things changed. You can tell him... you think these things all the time, but you never said them before, and you're going to try saying them now. For your own sake as much as for his. That way he doesn't feel like he's being patronized or- handled, you know?
And you can tell him he doesn't have to say it back if he doesn't want to But that if he wants to, you don't mind hearing it.
[Its a bit of a relief to have Reynir suggest that, talking to Lalli about it first, because Onni had been thinking of doing that anyhow, but wondering also if it was a bad idea.]
Yes. Maybe explaining that I don't want this kind of misunderstanding again might help.
It will be hard to adjust to, I think. This kind of thing isn't easy for us.
I don't think I'll ask him to say it to me. I don't know if he thinks or feels those kinds of things about me. Better to avoid it.
I know it isn't easy, and that it will take time. The most importance changes are, and do.
I think he feels those things. But it might be even harder for him to say them. So giving him an out and telling him you don't expect him to say them back might be a good idea.
[ Then, after a pause: ]
And since we're talking about honesty here. I should practice what I preach a little. I'm proud of you, Onni. For everything you're trying to do to make things better between you and Lalli. For keeping going even when stuff's really hard.
I don't know about that. I think I've made his life a great deal more difficult than it had to be, and hurt him a lot more than I realized. I don't know if anyone in his situation would be able to feel those things about me, let alone say them.
[Letting Lalli feel the way he's felt for so long out of negligence seems, to Onni, a little unforgivable.
Maybe it's because of that feeling that a surge of guilt overwhelms him when Reynir says that he's proud of him for trying to improve things between himself and Lalli, even when it's hard. Guilt, and shame, and self-consciousness.]
I don't know that it's anything to be proud of me for. It's what I should have been doing all along.
[ Reynir wishes right then, so desperately, that Tuuri were here. Onni would listen to her. She would straighten this out, get her brother to realize how wrong he was...
...or, maybe, she wouldn't. After all, a self-loathing like this can't be new. It had to pre-date Tuuri leaving, Tuuri dying. She hadn't solved it, before. Hell, she might have added to it.
Maybe what Onni really needs now is the perspective of someone outside his family. Someone more objective. Someone like Reynir. ]
Onni, you trust me, don't you? You know that... most of the time, I don't lie?
Please, listen to me. You didn't mistreat Lalli. Families hurt each other, that's part of the deal. But I've seen you two around one another. You treat him so much better than... than most parents would, not to mention most cousins who had to become parents way too young.
So yeah. I'm proud of you. And I'm right to be proud of you. You might not be able to see why, but you're too close to it all.
[Onni isn't sure there would be anything anyone could say to pull him out of this, right now. Thinking that Lalli was afraid of him, or that he'd hurt him, the images of how he'd handled his cousin when he was fighting against the treatment Onni was trying to give him are vivid in his mind. Lalli crying in the tub is just as fresh and vivid a memory, so thin and fragile and sick, crying because Onni had finally convinced him that he was loved, and always had been.
It hurts, to know what he's put his cousin through. It's going to be hard to let go of the idea that he'd done wrong by him, unforgivably wrong.]
I trust you. I don't think you would lie.
But I don't know that it's true that I treated him better than most parents would. I don't think his mother and father would have made him think he wasn't loved. His mother was so demonstrative with him, she would call him pet names. I don't think he could doubt how she felt about him.
He's alive, and he's strong, and he can take care of himself, but that isn't enough. He shouldn't have spent twelve years feeling like he was less valuable to me.
It doesn't do any good for you or Lalli, comparing yourself to his mom or blaming yourself for not psychically knowing what he was feeling.
He finally told you. Now is the important time, to change things.
You can't do that if you spend all your energy obsessing over the past and hating yourself. Because Lalli's gonna pick up on that. If you look at him and start thinking about all the ways you think you fucked up in the past, you're gonna get sad. And do you know what that looks like, to Lalli? 'When Onni looks at me, he gets sad. I make Onni sad, because something's wrong with me.'
You have to find a way to look into the future and let go of the past, for his sake, and yours.
[Beyond everything else, the way Reynir says so directly that there's no point in beating himself up over the past and that now is when they need to change things, that if he dwells on that and is sad when he sees Lalli, Lalli will think he's what's hurting Onni...that cuts through the thick, exhausted fog of guilt and self-hate.]
Letting go of the past is harder to do than it should be. I've always struggled with it.
It's hard to look at the future, too, because I don't know where to go from here. I have no idea what the future holds, and I don't feel like any of it is going to be good. But the least I can do is not make it worse for Lalli now.
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[It isn't a question, not really, because it seems pretty obvious that that's what Reynir is saying. The idea of actually saying or doing that with Lalli seems impossible, though, like something he doesn't know how to do. How should he go about casually telling his cousin that he loves him? It isn't something he's ever learned to do. But then Reynir is addressing that too.]
I can try to learn.
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We assume people know, when we care about them, but they don't.
And I think it might be especially important for somebody like Lalli. He... doesn't have a lot of people giving him positive feedback.
[ Which is polite Reynir-speak for Lalli doesn't really have friends here or make them easily or enjoy the casual company of nice strangers, and that makes getting love and support from Onni all the more important. ]
I'm sure you are proud of him and think about loving him all the time.
The trick is to learn not to stop yourself from saying it out loud.
no subject
You're right, I think. About Lalli getting positive feedback. But what if it made him uncomfortable, to hear it more often? We aren't accustomed to saying that kind of thing to each other. We never have been. Both culturally and as a family. Do you think it would do more harm than good in that case?
[Its a lot of questions, and Onni can feel, almost painfully, how they seem to be things that are just instinct for most people. For normal people. But with Reynir, at least, he thinks the questions won't sound stupid, or at least won't be treated as such. Reynir seems a lot more comfortable with this part of being human, Onni is willing to take his advice on this matter.]
I do think that all the time, though.
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[ Onni's questions aren't stupid to Reynir at all; he is doubting his own instincts a little. After all, it is a different culture. A different family. He's not any kind of an expert. Not somebody who has read books or studied these things. He only knows what his experience and his heart are telling him. ]
I think it will do good. But I think it might be worth... mentioning the reason for the change.
So he doesn't wonder about it and maybe come up with some incorrect idea about why things changed.
You can tell him... you think these things all the time, but you never said them before, and you're going to try saying them now.
For your own sake as much as for his.
That way he doesn't feel like he's being patronized or- handled, you know?
And you can tell him he doesn't have to say it back if he doesn't want to
But that if he wants to, you don't mind hearing it.
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Yes. Maybe explaining that I don't want this kind of misunderstanding again might help.
It will be hard to adjust to, I think. This kind of thing isn't easy for us.
I don't think I'll ask him to say it to me. I don't know if he thinks or feels those kinds of things about me. Better to avoid it.
[If Lalli doesn't, he would rather not know.]
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The most importance changes are, and do.
I think he feels those things.
But it might be even harder for him to say them.
So giving him an out and telling him you don't expect him to say them back might be a good idea.
[ Then, after a pause: ]
And since we're talking about honesty here.
I should practice what I preach a little.
I'm proud of you, Onni. For everything you're trying to do to make things better between you and Lalli.
For keeping going even when stuff's really hard.
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I don't know about that. I think I've made his life a great deal more difficult than it had to be, and hurt him a lot more than I realized. I don't know if anyone in his situation would be able to feel those things about me, let alone say them.
[Letting Lalli feel the way he's felt for so long out of negligence seems, to Onni, a little unforgivable.
Maybe it's because of that feeling that a surge of guilt overwhelms him when Reynir says that he's proud of him for trying to improve things between himself and Lalli, even when it's hard. Guilt, and shame, and self-consciousness.]
I don't know that it's anything to be proud of me for. It's what I should have been doing all along.
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...or, maybe, she wouldn't. After all, a self-loathing like this can't be new. It had to pre-date Tuuri leaving, Tuuri dying. She hadn't solved it, before. Hell, she might have added to it.
Maybe what Onni really needs now is the perspective of someone outside his family. Someone more objective. Someone like Reynir. ]
Onni, you trust me, don't you?
You know that... most of the time, I don't lie?
Please, listen to me. You didn't mistreat Lalli.
Families hurt each other, that's part of the deal. But I've seen you two around one another.
You treat him so much better than... than most parents would, not to mention most cousins who had to become parents way too young.
So yeah. I'm proud of you. And I'm right to be proud of you. You might not be able to see why, but you're too close to it all.
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It hurts, to know what he's put his cousin through. It's going to be hard to let go of the idea that he'd done wrong by him, unforgivably wrong.]
I trust you. I don't think you would lie.
But I don't know that it's true that I treated him better than most parents would. I don't think his mother and father would have made him think he wasn't loved. His mother was so demonstrative with him, she would call him pet names. I don't think he could doubt how she felt about him.
He's alive, and he's strong, and he can take care of himself, but that isn't enough. He shouldn't have spent twelve years feeling like he was less valuable to me.
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He finally told you. Now is the important time, to change things.
You can't do that if you spend all your energy obsessing over the past and hating yourself. Because Lalli's gonna pick up on that.
If you look at him and start thinking about all the ways you think you fucked up in the past, you're gonna get sad.
And do you know what that looks like, to Lalli?
'When Onni looks at me, he gets sad. I make Onni sad, because something's wrong with me.'
You have to find a way to look into the future and let go of the past, for his sake, and yours.
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Letting go of the past is harder to do than it should be. I've always struggled with it.
It's hard to look at the future, too, because I don't know where to go from here. I have no idea what the future holds, and I don't feel like any of it is going to be good. But the least I can do is not make it worse for Lalli now.
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Not knowing what the future holds is scary. I get that.
Some of it will be good, Onni. I promise, some of it will be good.
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Thank you, Reynir.