[More than anything, Onni is really just feeling exasperated. He hasn't dealt with this much conversation on those topics for a long time and those topics always make him feel a little weird and possibly broken.]
A couple of days ago, Bailey posted on the network about Monsters getting pregnant and just now Allura posted about types of kisses and that quickly turned to sex as well. And last month there was a whole celebration about Bonds being romantic.
types of kisses? what, like, classifying them or something?
it does sound like a lot of people have it on the brain, huh?
i think it was a celebration of bonds that are romantic? not a celebration saying all of them have to be? there might be a celebration about not-romantic bonds later in the year for all i know.
I don't think so. I think it was a general question. But I hadn't thought of it at all before I saw that. And the post today was about whether friends hold hands or kiss. I answered because I knew a little about it and I like Allura, but it escalated very quickly.
[Because of Bailey. But he's not going to throw them under the bus with Reynir by naming names.]
Oh. That would make sense. It just got me thinking about that.
well, of course you hadn't. it wasn't something relevant to your life! but i guess there's probably monsters that can get pregnant out there, dating and stuff, and figuring out how the transformation affects that would probably be important for their health and stuff.
[ Look at Reynir, not knowing this would apply to him! Blissful, blissful ignorance. ]
people love gossiping and joking about that sort of thing in our world, too? i don't think it's exclusive to here.
i don't think just talking about sex at all means all people are obsessed with it?
[ Reynir doesn't know where this sudden burst of stubbornness is coming from, but he pushes back a bit, gently. ]
You have a point. Still! I didn't want to read about it. And yes, people are obsessed with those things at home too. It's just easier to avoid when it's not posted up in public.
[Onni isn't sure why it's bothering him so much either. He doesn't consider himself a prude or anything, but the romantic Bond thing has been sitting in the back of his mind like a little sliver for a while now.]
I didn't mind talking about kissing, but then someone brought up kissing in a place I wasn't talking about and it caught me off guard.
[A few seconds later, in another text.]
I know you said you're probably not going to sleep with people here, but is a romantic Bond something you want?
i guess my village was so small that i'm kinda used to never being able to avoid any topic, no matter how much i might've wanted to.
ah, i see. well, i'm sorry they surprised you like that.
[ Suddenly, feeling a surge of protectiveness: ]
no one was harassing you or making you uncomfortable, right? 'cause talking about sex is fine and all but not if they were being creeps about it to you.
[ Does Reynir need to go and kick somebody's ass? He suddenly feels like it might be time to kick somebody's ass. ]
what? i don't understand what you mean?
[ Is Onni asking if he wants to Bond with someone else, in addition, in a romantic way? Or if he is sad their Bond isn't romantic? Or if he is asking if Reynir wants their Bond to become romantic? And Reynir's heart is racing, his hands shaking a little where he is holding the watch. He wishes Onni were here. It's easier to feel his emotions when they are close, and Reynir would be able to see if he was joking or serious or... flirting? ]
[That's a surprising question, and Onni snorts out loud at the idea of anyone wanting to sexually harass him, of all people.]
No one harassed me. They just caught me by surprise.
[The last question is hard to answer because he's not sure exactly why he wants to know either. Or even what he wants the answer to be. Perhaps somewhere in the back of his mind he'd hoped Reynir would barrel ahead with assumptions and make things clearer for him.]
I mean in general. Are you looking for a romantic Bond?
I realized I didn't put enough thought into what our bond meant before we did it. With everyone seeming to think of it that way, and considering someone mentioned that even if a Bond isn't romantic that the ceremony is almost like a handfasting, I just wanted to work out what ours means. I don't think either of us meant it that way but I wanted to be clear and check if that was on your mind too. If you're looking for that kind of Bond. I just don't want to be surprised with something like that again, if I can help it.
can you do me a favor? if anyone ever does... promise you'll tell me? even if it's embarrassing and awkward?
[ He's glad he had been mistaken, but that angry worry is slow to dissipate.
Reynir reads over Onni's message twice, thrice, trying to read between the lines, mulling it over carefully. Normally, Reynir speaka without thinking, but some instinct is telling him to tread very, very carefully here. He remembers his conversation with Onni, that he has never really dated, never had sex, probably not even been kissed before. The last thing Reynir should do is be cavalier, when Onni's experience is so different from his own.
But before he can answer honestly, he has to actually think about what the truth is. Had romance been on his mind? Not consciously. Had it been, unconsciously?
His thoughts are skirting around something that has been growing gradually inside him. An awareness that feels inevitable, but that he's been holding off with both hands.
He distracts himself with smaller answers, to start. ]
you already know what our bond means. it's the only way for Monsters and Witches to be safe, here. i didn't want you to explode from excess magic, and you didn't want me to go feral. we wanted to keep each other safe, and we trust each other. that's what matters.
so trust me that i'm not going to blindside you with anything, and i haven't been secretly expecting things from you that you don't know about. this is me, remember? your best friend.
our Bond means everything i said in my vow. don't let other people and their stuff make you lose sight of that.
[ It isn't, of course, a yes or no answer. That is by design.
Because what would it matter, even if he did want their Bond to be romantic, when he knows Onni has no interest in him like that, and won't ever. So what's it matter? He shouldn't let himself think about whether or not he has feelings for Onni, because Onni doesn't want him like that. ]
I will. I can take care of myself too, though I doubt anything like that will happen. I'm not the sort of person people harass that way.
[The rest of it is more complicated to answer. He reads through what Reynir said a few times, comforting himself with the knowledge that Reynir doesn't seem like the type to quietly resent him for not being a way that he didn't know he should be. And it's true that he does trust Reynir, more than anyone else here, but he does know that Reynir is also capable of untruths or hiding the truth as well, particularly if he thinks it will protect Onni from some unfortunate truth.
But he thinks that, after how it had gone last time and with Reynir being forthcoming about seeing that memory of Lalli's, that he's not going to do that again. And he does notice that Reynir doesn't say specifically if he's looking for a romantic Bond or not, only clarifies what this Bond means. To keep each other safe because they trust each other. Friendship.
That's easy to handle.]
Alright. That makes sense, and I feel the same way about it. We Bonded to keep each other safe and because we're friends.
Can I ask you something, though? I know it might be a pain or you might not want to, but I was hoping you would tell me if you decide you want to look for that kind of Bond, so I know to expect it. I know that the other stuff is coming, the faun instincts or whatever, and that they'll have some effect on me, so I'm ready for that. I like knowing what's coming, since these aren't things I really think about or focus on much when I'm only dealing with my own thoughts and feelings.
i know you can take care of yourself. that doesn't stop me from wanting to help.
you're right though. creeps know not to mess with somebody as badass as you.
[ He has an inkling that's not what Onni means, by saying he's not the sort of person to get harassed, but Reynir willfully misinterprets. ]
oh, i was totally wrong what you meant before.
i just assumed you knew, but i'm not going to Bond with anybody else. for romance or friendship or anything. (actually, i take that back, i guess i MIGHT if somebody i knew was seriously about to die from too much magic, but i would talk to you about it first.)
[ And really, it's the certainty with which he gives that answer that finally pushes it over the edge, for Reynir. Makes it impossible for him to not acknowledge it any longer. He hadn't even hesitated. He doesn't want to be Bonded to anyone but Onni.
There is a reason for that. There's a reason he'd said he was not going to go out and try dating anyone, and why he would just deal with any sexual urges by himself. He isn't interested in any of those things. At least, not with anybody who isn't Onni.
In a way, it's not a surprise at all. Some part of him has known this for a while. Inevitable, like a fall. ]
i'll do my best. i can't promise i'll do perfect. it's not like i can just decide how to feel, or know how i'm going to feel in the future. but i know you're not interested in romance and that kind of thing makes you uncomfortable, so i'll do what i can.
[Obviously, Reynir had the wrong idea about why no one would harass him, but he lets that pass. There's no point in arguing something so unflattering anyway, even if it is true.
But the fact that Reynir isn't planning to Bond with anyone else in any way is a little surprising. In fact, he reads the text over and over for a few minutes trying to work out whether he's joking or not, but he can't find any signs of it not being serious.]
I wasn't intending to either, except for the same circumstances you mentioned. I'll talk to you before I do anything like that, too.
I'm a little confused. I thought someone as sociable as you would only struggle because we're only able to have three Bonds and not more. But if that's what you want, I'm fine with it.
[It still feels weird, there are a dozen half-formed questions in his mind that he wouldn't ask even if he could put words to them. This whole situation feels so fraught and tense, and he feels like he could cause a serious problem with them if he says the wrong thing right now. Especially when the last text comes and Reynir's words come across defensive and sad.]
I know you can't predict those things. I just meant if it was a decision you made. And don't apologize about the faun stuff. That isn't your fault any more than it's my fault that I have weird magic here. There's nothing to apologize about, you didn't do anything wrong.
[It would be easy to leave it there, and his finger hovers over the 'send' button for a long few moments before he goes back to typing.]
I don't mind hearing about romance, and I don't object to it in any way. It isn't that it makes me uncomfortable, it's that it's just something I've never experienced and I don't know what to make of it. I didn't get to try any of that stuff when I was a teenager like most people, so I don't know anything about it and now it's pointless.
well i didn't say i wasn't going to be FRIENDS with anyone else! that would be crazy! i'm just perfectly happy to get close to new people here the regular way, no magical soul binding stuff required!
... onni, just because i'm friendly doesn't mean that i let people get really, actually close to me lightly. you know that, right?
[ Reynir starts to object, to explain yes, he really does have to apologize for the faun stuff. But every time he gets more than a few words in, saying Onni won't be singing the same tune when Reynir's accidentally filling his head with thoughts of... but every time he tries to end that sentence, he fails, and eventually he deletes the whole message.
He is glad, too, because Onni's next text comes through, and Reynir is torn between confusion and hope and most of all, concern, on Onni's behalf. ]
so... it's not that you hate the thought of it, just that it intimidates you? and makes you sad because of how things were when you were growing up, and you feel like you've missed your chance now?
that's so not true, onni. you're not different to 'most' people because everyone figures that stuff out at different times in different ways. you're not too late. it's not pointless. you would never say that to another person, if they were in your place.
there's lots of people out there your age and older who don't have any experience, and don't know if they want any experience. it doesn't matter when you're starting.
you'd never tell a mage who thought maybe he might have magic but wasn't sure, but who hadn't tried out any magic until he was your age, that it was pointless to even start now.
I didn't think you meant friendship. I just thought a lot of Witches would probably want to Bond with someone like you, and you might like some of them. If you've only decided not to Bond with anyone else because you think I won't want to deal with it, don't worry about it. It wouldn't upset me.
[That feels somehow a little wrong, but he's not sure why and so he doesn't correct it. He wouldn't know how, anyway.]
I don't think I did know that. That stuff seems to come easily to you, and you always seem very open. I thought you probably have a lot of close friends.
[The last part leaves him feeling strangely uncomfortable, a little jittery, and he sighs softly to himself, rubs fingers through his hair, uncertain about what's going on inside him. He isn't sure Reynir has guessed right about his feelings, but he also couldn't really say what's wrong with it either. It's frustrating - no one has made him have to think about and verbalize what he's feeling like Reynir has in the couple of months they've been here.]
I wouldn't say it intimidates me, and I wouldn't say I'm sad about it either. It isn't as if I've been pining for romance this whole time, I was fine without it. That's why I think it's pointless. I didn't have some overwhelming need to try that stuff out when I was a teenager, and I still don't really, so I think maybe there's something that just didn't develop, or wasn't there, or is broken about me when it comes to that.
It would be like you say, not too late to try or whatever, if it was something I wanted to do very badly, but I think maybe I'm too old to try to cultivate an interest now, at least on purpose.
Maybe, if I find someone I'm interested in that way I'll try, though that seems like a bad idea if we're only here for a while.
getting another Bond isn't something that had even crossed my mind. i... guess i'll let you know, if it ever does, but i don't see that happening any time soon.
i do have a lot of friends. back home, and people i've met here. but. a lot of them are sort of fair-weather. you know? not... really interested in getting to know anything about me past the surface. people that like me when i'm fun, but... not when i stand up for myself or try to talk about anything serious.
[ Reynir has no objection, to that sort of friendship. Not everything can be soul-baring and deep and meaningful. But he has felt, a little, particularly in the last year or so, that he is sometimes a distraction and entertainment to people, rather than... well, a person. ]
there isn't anything broken about you, onni. please don't say stuff like that about yourself.
[ Reynir's ears are ringing, a kind of numb shock settling in as he stares at the screen of his watch. He wants to give Onni advice, reassurance. Say whatever is best to help him accept his life, what he wants and doesn't want, help him find his way to happiness. But it's hard to know what is right to say, through the thick fog of his own feelings.
He had actually thought, for a moment, Onni was asking if Reynir wanted to make their Bond Romantic. Like it was something he wanted. And he'd let himself feel that bright, burning sliver of hope, just for a few seconds. But of course, Onni had been looking for reassurance that Reynir wasn't thinking of him that way. And asking for a heads-up, when Reynir started falling for other Witches.
Onni doesn't want romance, and Reynir would have to be selfish beyond belief to think he can change that. It would be wrong of him to try, especially now that the two of them are Bonded. Onni is relying on him. Now is not the time in his life to start being selfish. Not when Onni's already in such a vulnerable place, after losing Tuuri.
Reynir's head is aching, throbbing, his eyes hot with tears that he refuses to shed. So he's in love with Onni, and he has been for... a while, and there's nothing to be done about it. He'll just have to make sure Onni never finds out. ]
i think... you can try or not try, and neither one is a wrong choice. and if only being here for a little while is the only thing stopping you, don't let it. everyone here knows the deal with mirrorbound. it wouldn't be deceiving anyone. things don't need to be permanent, to be important.
[ Reynir's miserable, heart-aching feeling is strong enough now that doubtless some of it is leaking through the Bond, but there's not a whole lot he can do about that. ]
Alright, that's fine then. It's up to you. If you don't want to, I don't mind that either.
[Actually, it's kind of nice to think that Reynir would rather just stick with him. It's less complicated, less likely to involve anyone else and their emotions and dreams and memories. He'd rather just stick to Reynir's.]
Well, like I said before, I'd rather you didn't pretend to be fun when you're not feeling like it. In fact, I think I'd rather talk to you about serious things, and I think you need to stand up for yourself more than you do. I know it's not the same because I'm only one person, but there it is.
[He can feel it, then, that sense of loss and grief that's coming through the Bond, only this time it's coming from Reynir rather than him. It's still hard for him, sometimes, to acknowledge that someone like Reynir can feel that level of misery, strong enough that he can sense the ghost of it through the Bond despite the fact they're not even in the same room or the same house. Beyond that, he doesn't really understand why Reynir is miserable with heartache. Is it because he feels like he doesn't have enough real friends?
There's the possibility that Reynir is upset that Onni said he was a little broken - he'd mentioned that, after all, asked him not to say it and Reynir seems to have particularly strong feelings about how Onni treats himself. That is still strange to think about, let alone feel a little through the Bond. It's such a strong feeling, it feels strange and a little self-absorbed to assume that it's somehow about him.]
I don't mean anything bad, by saying I think something might be broken in me. It's a normal thing that I think a lot of people want, and I don't want it as much as most people. I don't know why.
And that's not the only thing stopping me. I just haven't met anyone I'm interested in that way, and I don't know that I'd be able to do any of the things you need to do to be like that with someone. I'm sure you've noticed I'm not exactly talkative and emotional and all that.
[He's not like the people he's seen have long happy relationships - his parents who smiled and laughed together and talked about childcare and shared jokes together and kissed when they thought he and Tuuri weren't looking. It's hard to imagine someone like him doing anything like that...being broken makes more sense.]
[ Reynir reads it again, Onni's reassurance that he wants to see even the parts of Reynir that are ugly and inconvenient, and that he ought to stand up for himself more. Reynir feels a curious, mingled surge of undeserved joy, and sadness. ]
you're the first one who's said anything like that to me. or at least, the first one who has actually meant it. that's one of the reasons you're so special to me. okay?
[ That's just another reason why he can't let Onni know that his feelings are anything more than just platonic. Onni's friendship is too precious to him to risk it. Not when he has the chance to get really, actually close to someone - someone who isn't Bjarni, anyway.
But the logic of it doesn't make the ache in his ribs any less. ]
maybe it's just a culture thing, but i don't really think it's as simple as that. i mean a lot of guys are really into girls and i'm not, but that's normal. a lot of people really want to have loads of kids and some people don't and that's normal, too. there were plenty of older people in my village who never got married and they didn't seem unhappy about it at all. lots of people here might be obsessed with romance, but that isn't universal.
[ He hesitates, half-convinced he should stop now, for fear of giving himself away. But of course, that's silly. Onni won't suspect a thing. Not when it's clear he had never even considered Reynir as a possible partner in that way. ]
i think you're undervaluing yourself, onni. you talk plenty, and there's nothing wrong with how you express your emotions, even if it's a little different from how other people do. you have so much to offer, that you don't even see about yourself.
maybe it's because you haven't dated, so you don't know that there's a lot worse options out there than someone who doesn't have a lot of experience, and is a little quiet, and has some emotional boundaries. you're a good man, onni. you're responsible, and fair, and caring, and patient, and intelligent, and complicated, and kind. if you ever did get interested in anyone like that... they'd be lucky to have you.
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A couple of days ago, Bailey posted on the network about Monsters getting pregnant and just now Allura posted about types of kisses and that quickly turned to sex as well. And last month there was a whole celebration about Bonds being romantic.
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types of kisses? what, like, classifying them or something?
it does sound like a lot of people have it on the brain, huh?
i think it was a celebration of bonds that are romantic? not a celebration saying all of them have to be? there might be a celebration about not-romantic bonds later in the year for all i know.
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[Because of Bailey. But he's not going to throw them under the bus with Reynir by naming names.]
Oh. That would make sense. It just got me thinking about that.
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[
Look at Reynir, not knowing this would apply to him! Blissful, blissful ignorance. ]people love gossiping and joking about that sort of thing in our world, too? i don't think it's exclusive to here.
i don't think just talking about sex at all means all people are obsessed with it?
[ Reynir doesn't know where this sudden burst of stubbornness is coming from, but he pushes back a bit, gently. ]
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[Onni isn't sure why it's bothering him so much either. He doesn't consider himself a prude or anything, but the romantic Bond thing has been sitting in the back of his mind like a little sliver for a while now.]
I didn't mind talking about kissing, but then someone brought up kissing in a place I wasn't talking about and it caught me off guard.
[A few seconds later, in another text.]
I know you said you're probably not going to sleep with people here, but is a romantic Bond something you want?
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ah, i see. well, i'm sorry they surprised you like that.
[ Suddenly, feeling a surge of protectiveness: ]
no one was harassing you or making you uncomfortable, right?
'cause talking about sex is fine and all but not if they were being creeps about it to you.
[ Does Reynir need to go and kick somebody's ass? He suddenly feels like it might be time to kick somebody's ass. ]
what?
i don't understand what you mean?
[ Is Onni asking if he wants to Bond with someone else, in addition, in a romantic way? Or if he is sad their Bond isn't romantic? Or if he is asking if Reynir wants their Bond to become romantic? And Reynir's heart is racing, his hands shaking a little where he is holding the watch. He wishes Onni were here. It's easier to feel his emotions when they are close, and Reynir would be able to see if he was joking or serious or... flirting? ]
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No one harassed me. They just caught me by surprise.
[The last question is hard to answer because he's not sure exactly why he wants to know either. Or even what he wants the answer to be. Perhaps somewhere in the back of his mind he'd hoped Reynir would barrel ahead with assumptions and make things clearer for him.]
I mean in general. Are you looking for a romantic Bond?
I realized I didn't put enough thought into what our bond meant before we did it. With everyone seeming to think of it that way, and considering someone mentioned that even if a Bond isn't romantic that the ceremony is almost like a handfasting, I just wanted to work out what ours means. I don't think either of us meant it that way but I wanted to be clear and check if that was on your mind too. If you're looking for that kind of Bond. I just don't want to be surprised with something like that again, if I can help it.
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[ He's glad he had been mistaken, but that angry worry is slow to dissipate.
Reynir reads over Onni's message twice, thrice, trying to read between the lines, mulling it over carefully. Normally, Reynir speaka without thinking, but some instinct is telling him to tread very, very carefully here. He remembers his conversation with Onni, that he has never really dated, never had sex, probably not even been kissed before. The last thing Reynir should do is be cavalier, when Onni's experience is so different from his own.
But before he can answer honestly, he has to actually think about what the truth is. Had romance been on his mind? Not consciously. Had it been, unconsciously?
His thoughts are skirting around something that has been growing gradually inside him. An awareness that feels inevitable, but that he's been holding off with both hands.
He distracts himself with smaller answers, to start. ]
you already know what our bond means. it's the only way for Monsters and Witches to be safe, here. i didn't want you to explode from excess magic, and you didn't want me to go feral. we wanted to keep each other safe, and we trust each other. that's what matters.
so trust me that i'm not going to blindside you with anything, and i haven't been secretly expecting things from you that you don't know about. this is me, remember? your best friend.
our Bond means everything i said in my vow. don't let other people and their stuff make you lose sight of that.
[ It isn't, of course, a yes or no answer. That is by design.
Because what would it matter, even if he did want their Bond to be romantic, when he knows Onni has no interest in him like that, and won't ever. So what's it matter? He shouldn't let himself think about whether or not he has feelings for Onni, because Onni doesn't want him like that. ]
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[The rest of it is more complicated to answer. He reads through what Reynir said a few times, comforting himself with the knowledge that Reynir doesn't seem like the type to quietly resent him for not being a way that he didn't know he should be. And it's true that he does trust Reynir, more than anyone else here, but he does know that Reynir is also capable of untruths or hiding the truth as well, particularly if he thinks it will protect Onni from some unfortunate truth.
But he thinks that, after how it had gone last time and with Reynir being forthcoming about seeing that memory of Lalli's, that he's not going to do that again. And he does notice that Reynir doesn't say specifically if he's looking for a romantic Bond or not, only clarifies what this Bond means. To keep each other safe because they trust each other. Friendship.
That's easy to handle.]
Alright. That makes sense, and I feel the same way about it. We Bonded to keep each other safe and because we're friends.
Can I ask you something, though? I know it might be a pain or you might not want to, but I was hoping you would tell me if you decide you want to look for that kind of Bond, so I know to expect it. I know that the other stuff is coming, the faun instincts or whatever, and that they'll have some effect on me, so I'm ready for that. I like knowing what's coming, since these aren't things I really think about or focus on much when I'm only dealing with my own thoughts and feelings.
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you're right though. creeps know not to mess with somebody as badass as you.
[ He has an inkling that's not what Onni means, by saying he's not the sort of person to get harassed, but Reynir willfully misinterprets. ]
oh, i was totally wrong what you meant before.
i just assumed you knew, but i'm not going to Bond with anybody else. for romance or friendship or anything.
(actually, i take that back, i guess i MIGHT if somebody i knew was seriously about to die from too much magic, but i would talk to you about it first.)
[ And really, it's the certainty with which he gives that answer that finally pushes it over the edge, for Reynir. Makes it impossible for him to not acknowledge it any longer. He hadn't even hesitated. He doesn't want to be Bonded to anyone but Onni.
There is a reason for that. There's a reason he'd said he was not going to go out and try dating anyone, and why he would just deal with any sexual urges by himself. He isn't interested in any of those things. At least, not with anybody who isn't Onni.
In a way, it's not a surprise at all. Some part of him has known this for a while. Inevitable, like a fall. ]
i'll do my best.
i can't promise i'll do perfect.
it's not like i can just decide how to feel, or know how i'm going to feel in the future.
but i know you're not interested in romance and that kind of thing makes you uncomfortable, so i'll do what i can.
i'm sorry again, about the faun stuff.
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[Obviously, Reynir had the wrong idea about why no one would harass him, but he lets that pass. There's no point in arguing something so unflattering anyway, even if it is true.
But the fact that Reynir isn't planning to Bond with anyone else in any way is a little surprising. In fact, he reads the text over and over for a few minutes trying to work out whether he's joking or not, but he can't find any signs of it not being serious.]
I wasn't intending to either, except for the same circumstances you mentioned. I'll talk to you before I do anything like that, too.
I'm a little confused. I thought someone as sociable as you would only struggle because we're only able to have three Bonds and not more. But if that's what you want, I'm fine with it.
[It still feels weird, there are a dozen half-formed questions in his mind that he wouldn't ask even if he could put words to them. This whole situation feels so fraught and tense, and he feels like he could cause a serious problem with them if he says the wrong thing right now. Especially when the last text comes and Reynir's words come across defensive and sad.]
I know you can't predict those things. I just meant if it was a decision you made. And don't apologize about the faun stuff. That isn't your fault any more than it's my fault that I have weird magic here. There's nothing to apologize about, you didn't do anything wrong.
[It would be easy to leave it there, and his finger hovers over the 'send' button for a long few moments before he goes back to typing.]
I don't mind hearing about romance, and I don't object to it in any way. It isn't that it makes me uncomfortable, it's that it's just something I've never experienced and I don't know what to make of it. I didn't get to try any of that stuff when I was a teenager like most people, so I don't know anything about it and now it's pointless.
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that would be crazy!
i'm just perfectly happy to get close to new people here the regular way, no magical soul binding stuff required!
... onni, just because i'm friendly doesn't mean that i let people get really, actually close to me lightly.
you know that, right?
[ Reynir starts to object, to explain yes, he really does have to apologize for the faun stuff. But every time he gets more than a few words in, saying Onni won't be singing the same tune when Reynir's accidentally filling his head with thoughts of... but every time he tries to end that sentence, he fails, and eventually he deletes the whole message.
He is glad, too, because Onni's next text comes through, and Reynir is torn between confusion and hope and most of all, concern, on Onni's behalf. ]
so... it's not that you hate the thought of it, just that it intimidates you?
and makes you sad because of how things were when you were growing up, and you feel like you've missed your chance now?
that's so not true, onni. you're not different to 'most' people because everyone figures that stuff out at different times in different ways. you're not too late. it's not pointless. you would never say that to another person, if they were in your place.
there's lots of people out there your age and older who don't have any experience, and don't know if they want any experience. it doesn't matter when you're starting.
you'd never tell a mage who thought maybe he might have magic but wasn't sure, but who hadn't tried out any magic until he was your age, that it was pointless to even start now.
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[That feels somehow a little wrong, but he's not sure why and so he doesn't correct it. He wouldn't know how, anyway.]
I don't think I did know that. That stuff seems to come easily to you, and you always seem very open. I thought you probably have a lot of close friends.
[The last part leaves him feeling strangely uncomfortable, a little jittery, and he sighs softly to himself, rubs fingers through his hair, uncertain about what's going on inside him. He isn't sure Reynir has guessed right about his feelings, but he also couldn't really say what's wrong with it either. It's frustrating - no one has made him have to think about and verbalize what he's feeling like Reynir has in the couple of months they've been here.]
I wouldn't say it intimidates me, and I wouldn't say I'm sad about it either. It isn't as if I've been pining for romance this whole time, I was fine without it. That's why I think it's pointless. I didn't have some overwhelming need to try that stuff out when I was a teenager, and I still don't really, so I think maybe there's something that just didn't develop, or wasn't there, or is broken about me when it comes to that.
It would be like you say, not too late to try or whatever, if it was something I wanted to do very badly, but I think maybe I'm too old to try to cultivate an interest now, at least on purpose.
Maybe, if I find someone I'm interested in that way I'll try, though that seems like a bad idea if we're only here for a while.
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i do have a lot of friends. back home, and people i've met here. but. a lot of them are sort of fair-weather. you know? not... really interested in getting to know anything about me past the surface. people that like me when i'm fun, but... not when i stand up for myself or try to talk about anything serious.
[ Reynir has no objection, to that sort of friendship. Not everything can be soul-baring and deep and meaningful. But he has felt, a little, particularly in the last year or so, that he is sometimes a distraction and entertainment to people, rather than... well, a person. ]
there isn't anything broken about you, onni.
please don't say stuff like that about yourself.
[ Reynir's ears are ringing, a kind of numb shock settling in as he stares at the screen of his watch. He wants to give Onni advice, reassurance. Say whatever is best to help him accept his life, what he wants and doesn't want, help him find his way to happiness. But it's hard to know what is right to say, through the thick fog of his own feelings.
He had actually thought, for a moment, Onni was asking if Reynir wanted to make their Bond Romantic. Like it was something he wanted. And he'd let himself feel that bright, burning sliver of hope, just for a few seconds. But of course, Onni had been looking for reassurance that Reynir wasn't thinking of him that way. And asking for a heads-up, when Reynir started falling for other Witches.
Onni doesn't want romance, and Reynir would have to be selfish beyond belief to think he can change that. It would be wrong of him to try, especially now that the two of them are Bonded. Onni is relying on him. Now is not the time in his life to start being selfish. Not when Onni's already in such a vulnerable place, after losing Tuuri.
Reynir's head is aching, throbbing, his eyes hot with tears that he refuses to shed. So he's in love with Onni, and he has been for... a while, and there's nothing to be done about it. He'll just have to make sure Onni never finds out. ]
i think... you can try or not try, and neither one is a wrong choice.
and if only being here for a little while is the only thing stopping you, don't let it.
everyone here knows the deal with mirrorbound. it wouldn't be deceiving anyone. things don't need to be permanent, to be important.
[ Reynir's miserable, heart-aching feeling is strong enough now that doubtless some of it is leaking through the Bond, but there's not a whole lot he can do about that. ]
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[Actually, it's kind of nice to think that Reynir would rather just stick with him. It's less complicated, less likely to involve anyone else and their emotions and dreams and memories. He'd rather just stick to Reynir's.]
Well, like I said before, I'd rather you didn't pretend to be fun when you're not feeling like it. In fact, I think I'd rather talk to you about serious things, and I think you need to stand up for yourself more than you do. I know it's not the same because I'm only one person, but there it is.
[He can feel it, then, that sense of loss and grief that's coming through the Bond, only this time it's coming from Reynir rather than him. It's still hard for him, sometimes, to acknowledge that someone like Reynir can feel that level of misery, strong enough that he can sense the ghost of it through the Bond despite the fact they're not even in the same room or the same house. Beyond that, he doesn't really understand why Reynir is miserable with heartache. Is it because he feels like he doesn't have enough real friends?
There's the possibility that Reynir is upset that Onni said he was a little broken - he'd mentioned that, after all, asked him not to say it and Reynir seems to have particularly strong feelings about how Onni treats himself. That is still strange to think about, let alone feel a little through the Bond. It's such a strong feeling, it feels strange and a little self-absorbed to assume that it's somehow about him.]
I don't mean anything bad, by saying I think something might be broken in me. It's a normal thing that I think a lot of people want, and I don't want it as much as most people. I don't know why.
And that's not the only thing stopping me. I just haven't met anyone I'm interested in that way, and I don't know that I'd be able to do any of the things you need to do to be like that with someone. I'm sure you've noticed I'm not exactly talkative and emotional and all that.
[He's not like the people he's seen have long happy relationships - his parents who smiled and laughed together and talked about childcare and shared jokes together and kissed when they thought he and Tuuri weren't looking. It's hard to imagine someone like him doing anything like that...being broken makes more sense.]
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you're the first one who's said anything like that to me. or at least, the first one who has actually meant it.
that's one of the reasons you're so special to me. okay?
[ That's just another reason why he can't let Onni know that his feelings are anything more than just platonic. Onni's friendship is too precious to him to risk it. Not when he has the chance to get really, actually close to someone - someone who isn't Bjarni, anyway.
But the logic of it doesn't make the ache in his ribs any less. ]
maybe it's just a culture thing, but i don't really think it's as simple as that.
i mean a lot of guys are really into girls and i'm not, but that's normal.
a lot of people really want to have loads of kids and some people don't and that's normal, too.
there were plenty of older people in my village who never got married and they didn't seem unhappy about it at all.
lots of people here might be obsessed with romance, but that isn't universal.
[ He hesitates, half-convinced he should stop now, for fear of giving himself away. But of course, that's silly. Onni won't suspect a thing. Not when it's clear he had never even considered Reynir as a possible partner in that way. ]
i think you're undervaluing yourself, onni.
you talk plenty, and there's nothing wrong with how you express your emotions, even if it's a little different from how other people do.
you have so much to offer, that you don't even see about yourself.
maybe it's because you haven't dated, so you don't know that there's a lot worse options out there than someone who doesn't have a lot of experience, and is a little quiet, and has some emotional boundaries.
you're a good man, onni. you're responsible, and fair, and caring, and patient, and intelligent, and complicated, and kind.
if you ever did get interested in anyone like that... they'd be lucky to have you.